Nowadays, I spend little time with my friends. I don’t go out after working hours and spending extra hours in the fully packed street of Jakarta just to meet up with people in English session that I usually attend (but that was like 5-6 months ago). I don’t go home late anymore. I basically don’t do what I did 5 months ago. No, I don’t do that anymore. I may have changed. I don’t know.

When I went home last night, sitting in the bus that brought me home, I was thinking how I don’t miss them at all. I don’t miss being in the heart of Jakarta. Yes, I miss the talk with my friends, but if you asked me to come down to Jakarta after my work, meanwhile going to Jakarta means passing by my route home, then I would prefer to go back home. Don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t mean that I don’t like Jakarta at all. I live in South Jakarta but I make my living in Serpong which is southern part of south Jakarta. So going to Central Jakarta for me is just another extended hours that I have to take. And believe me, it’s pretty exhausting to be in Jakarta’s traffic jam.

I used to think that I’m kind of city girl. Someone who just probably can’t stand being in quiet place and therefore look for entertainment in the hub of big city with all the shining lights at night. But naah…I’m not city girl. I can only say that I don’t miss them all. I’m half way from and to Jakarta. And that’s alright for a girl like me.

Jakarta, 18.12.11

It wasn’t all of a sudden decision. I thought about it carefully. I made my prayer pretty clear that I need His guidance about what I want to do with myself. And all I ever wanted is to be a better person, not only for myself but also to my surroundings. So I figured that it’s not too much when I said that I have learnt my lesson well in my current position and it’s time to move forward and to learn more.

She asked me to give her some time to think about my will and that she would find solution to my condition. I told her instantly that she doesn’t need solution as she doesn’t have problem to my condition right now so why would she need solution? But she said that she will find ways to keep me in the school where I’m working right now.

By the second summon, she offered me something that I would never have thought of. Now, I can only say that whatever I have, whatever that is in my way, well….they should make me a better person. I care little about big salary and prestigious position. I care so much about my own personal development. The position that my boss offered me should make me better (person)!

Jakarta, 02.12.11

You didn’t teach me to hold grudge, to revenge or to take a vengeance.

It’s hard. But I will let these tears fall everyday to make myself wiser.

As the white fabric wrapped your body still,

that was the time when i said to myself that i’ll be stronger.

You live in my heart. Now and forever.

Jakarta, 10.11.11

You’re on my mind more than I may show
You’re in my heart more than you may know
And the last thing that I want,
is for you to fall apart
your future will be clearer
I want you to remember.                                                                                                                      

In each tear
there’s a lesson, (there’s a lesson)
Make you wiser than before ( wiser)
Makes you stronger than you know (stronger)
In each tear (each tear)
Bring you closer to your dreams
No mistake, no heartbreak
Can take away what you’re meant to be

We can’t change the things,
That we done that’s in the past.
But fighting won’t get us anyway.
So if you want, here’s my hand
Every night there’s one thing I do
I bow my head and pray for you (pray for you)
And the last thing that I want,
Is for you to fall apart
your future will be clearer
I want you to remember

In each tear
there’s a lesson, (there’s a lesson)
Makes you wiser than before (wiser)
Makes you stronger than you know (stronger)
In each tear (each tear)
Bring you closer to your dreams
No mistake, no heartbreak
Can take away what you’re meant to be

You’re much more than a struggle that you go trough
You’re not defined by your pain, so let it go..
You’re not a victim, you’re more like a winner
And you’re not in defeat you’ re more like a queen

In each tear
there’s a lesson,
Makes you wiser than before
Makes you stronger than you know (stronger than you know)
In each tear ( in each tear)
Bring you closer to your dreams
No mistake, no heartbreak
Can take away what you’re meant to be

In each tear (each tear)
there’s a lesson, (there’s a lesson)
Makes you wiser than before (wiser)
Makes you stronger than you know
In each tear ( Make you so much broke )
Bring you closer to your dreams
No mistake, no heartbreak
Can take away what you’re meant to be

No no we can’t be held out
No no oh noo I I I can’t held out
You you you can’t be held out
We we we can’t be held out

Love
It makes you so much stronger (stronger)
It makes you so much wiser (wiser)
In each tear (in each tear)
And You so close to your dreams and no dreams
No mistake, no heartbreak can’t take away you’re meant to be

by: Mary J. Blige

Dia menanyakan kepada saya siapa yang harusnya bertanggung jawab atas kebodohan yang terjadi di kolam renang, bahwa ada sekitar 8 anak sudah di dalam kolam renang tanpa pengawasan dan..inilah yang membuat Ibu itu marah sejadi-jadinya, ternyata anak Ibu tersebut adalah salah satu yang sudah masuk ke kolam renang. Dengan kesan menuduh dan menudingkan jari telunjuk lengkap dengan nada bicara yang menurut saya kasar, saya malah dalam hati hampir berterima kasih karena tidak ada satu pun anak murid yang ada di sekitar kami pada saat itu. Pada saat itu juga saya langsung berpikir bahwa bila saya menjadi seorang Ibu, saya akan berusaha untuk menjaga nada bicara, pemilihan kata saya dalam menyampaikan komentar, kritik ataupun amarah kepada pihak manapun. Dan untuk sekedar mengalihkan pendengaran saya dari kata-kata kasar Ibu tersebut, saya lebih baik menelepon pelatih renang dan menanyakan keberadaan mereka. Ternyata miskomunikasi membuat eks-kul renang pada hari itu ditiadakan dan intinya 2 pelatih renang tersebut tidak datang ke sekolah.

Bagian Sekretariat yang ketika itu juga ada bersama saya pada saat kejadian dan merasa sakit hati mendengar ucapan Ibu tersebut tentunya tidak bisa diam saja dan akhirnya memberikan penjelasan kepada Ibu tersebut.

Bagaimanakah suasana hati saya yang ketika itu sebenarnya sedang siap-siap untuk potong kue ulang tahun yang dihadiahkan kolega kerja saya? Oo….saya hanya menganggap angin lalu. Jujur saja, di ulang tahun saya tahun 2011 ini, dengan bertambahnya umur…saya justru merasa makin tidak ambil pusing terhadap perlakuan kasar atau kurang mengenakkan dari orang-orang terhadap saya. Saya mencoba mengingat kembali kata-kata di artikel tentang Tip Awet Muda (saya pernah menuliskannya di blog ini). Salah satu tip itu adalah: Hanya pertahankan teman yang menyenangkan. Teman yang banyak berkeluh kesah, yang sifatnya menjengkelkan…mereka menguras energi.

Kalau boleh saya coba jelaskan dengan kalimat saya sendiri, tentunya itu tidak berarti saya pilih-pilih teman atau saya hanya mau berteman dengan mereka yang inginnya pergi bersenang-senang, menghambur-hamburkan uang. Bukan itu yang saya inginkan. Demi kebaikan emosi dan perbaikan pribadi diri saya sendiri, saya mencoba berpikir positif tentang apapun. Tentang keluarga, pekerjaan dan teman-teman saya….saya berusaha melihat semua aspek kehidupan dengan kacamata positif. Ya..ya..ya… kata-kata positif dan pikiran positif membuat kita bosan. Tapi itu berhasil membuat saya sedikit tenang dengan diri saya sendiri. Apapun yang saya punya, terima dan kerjakan sekarang….saya coba mensyukurinya dan menjalankannya dengan positif.

Termasuk dengan hubungan antar teman, kolega ataupun kenalan, saya coba melihat mereka dengan pikiran positif. Kalau keluhan dan sifat menjengkelkan mereka hanya akan merusak pikiran positif yang saya coba bangun di diri saya sendiri, maka….lebih baik saya tenangkan diri saya dulu dengan mengurangi intensitas hubungan dengan mereka dan membuat diri saya menjadi orang yang lebih baik lagi.

Jadi bila Anda punya keluhan dan kritikan, sampaikan saja. Karena itu akan membuat saya menjadi orang yang insya Allah lebih baik dan kuat di masa depan! Mungkin perasaan itulah yang menjadi hadiah terbaik yang saya dapatkan di ulang tahun saya kali ini. And it’s a wonderful feeling!

Jakarta, 18.09.11

I live with my mother and my siblings. We’re leaving for our daily activities early in the morning, starting from my mother who runs her store early at 5 o’clock in the morning. My sister (helps my mom in the store) and I leave around 6 and my brother around…I don’t know..maybe 8 or 10. The first to come home is me. Around 7 or 8 at night, I open the door and facing things that stressed me out.

I’m ashamed to admit this, but here’s the thing: I come home to dry leaves around the carport, dusty table, dirty floor, empty rooms, empty refrigerator, piles of dirty clothes. I don’t like them all, but I have to face them. So…most of every night after I come home, I’d sweep and mop the floor, put garbage outside, then go out to buy my dinner, go back home and eating my dinner alone accompanied by television showing boring programmes. Well.. I don’t like doing the last two parts, so I’d normally wait until everybody gets home and eat together.

My boss keeps on reminding me not to come home late. My office hour is only until 4 in the afternoon, but I’d prefer to stay in the school until 6 or 7 at night. Sometimes I drop by to supermarket or mall to keep me away from coming home early. There’s always time when being alone in your home can be quite comforting. But there is also time, when there is someone at home makes you feel less lonely.

To be honest, if I could write down what I’d love to come home to…, then I’d write…to be greeted by someone.

Jakarta, 15.09.11

I finished editing ‘about me’ section. Previously I named it ‘What about ME?’ but now I changed it into “The Real Me’. It took me a little help from a song that I always remember taken from one of the scene that I like from Sex and The City.

It was not such a coincidence when I had conversation the previous night before that got me to think to write down a little piece of me, explaining of who I am a little in my so-called blog. And not only that, this conversation also got me to think that deactivating my Facebook account wouldn’t do me harm. Now that I can relate to it, I probably am the kind of person who don’t care at all about technology. Whether I refuse or not interested or I’m just too fed up with all the trends, I decided to step back a little to make a further step with myself.

That means…spending time to write. Of course, deactivating my FB acc ount makes it harder for me to browse any other interesting website, but it helps me to see what my real interest is. For example, I used to write letters to somebody whom I have never seen in my whole life. My Penpal. Perhaps some of you do the same until now. I don’t collect stamp, I just like writing letters. But that was like 4 or 5 years ago. So..now I decided to register myself in penpal website to see if there are other people who are interested in exchanging postcards or letters with me.

I also have more time to focus on writing my blog. Well..i usually write it first in my Word-File, and copy-pasting it to my blog. That way you may see me not writing such a long and endless post, because I tend to keep my post short. As short as 1 – 2 pages each. I’ll probably won’t write so much now, as I will let you click that ‘The Real Me’ section to get to know me and also enjoy the video that I attached to it. Do click the ‘YouTube’ logo to see the video of the scene that got me to write ‘The Real Me’. Enjoy!

Jakarta, 04.09.2011

Yes, the hardest thing about promises is in keeping them and making the actions. This is how i illustrate promises: if you’re in a relationship, and the guy gives you the promise with thousand, beautiful words about marrying you one day..but it’s been like ages ever since he said that word and no actions to it, then…you may just let him go and free yourself from that guy. Of course it’s an extreme thing to do, but if someone can’t keep a promise or just can’t make actions from its promise, then why bother hoping for something.

No, i’m not brokenhearted. Seriously, i’ve never been involved in love relationship with someone that makes myself head over heel, so why do i sound like i’ve been hurt? Well, here’s the thing…one day i told somebody that i’ll be paying a visit to his country and he made it clear that it would be possible for us to meet. So when I gave him in advance date of my visitation, i was thinking how nice it would be to meet somebody that i’ve once known. But yeah..you can guess the rest of the story, right?! We never met. And at this very moment, i’m not interested in telling you the reason why we didn’t meet.

The thing is….you don’t give promises, if you know from the beginning that you just can’t keep them. Enough with words. Sometimes.. you just gotta show yourself up and let the people know that…it’s action that counts not words!

And you know what’s the saddest thing about being dissapointed from people who can’t keep their promises to you? It’s the feeling of…maybe i didn’t keep promise to someone else, maybe i did something bad to someone else, maybe.., maybe…, and so many maybes that come to my mind. By the end of the day, this is what i got: Dissapointment from promises that were not being kept.

Jakarta, 18. 08. 2011

I just bought myself a camera. If i could choose what color that i want, i’d chose dark blue or silver. But i didn’t choose those colors and the available colors were only orange and pale blue. Displayed was the pale blue camera and i had no idea how the orange look like. The clerk only showed me the catalog and i was not allowed to see the orange camera unless i made payment first. So i was in between. I didn’t find orange as nice or calming color and pale blue was definitely out of the agenda. Eventually, as my friend suggested, i ended up buying the orange camera.

After couple minutes of waiting, there came my new orange camera. As the clerk opened the box, as louder the sound of the drum rolling in my heart. I wondered how good or how bad was the orange. But then..tada…

It was actually a good and nice color. I mean..the color suits well with the camera. Although the appearance didn’t look like an expensive (which of course for me it was rather expensive), but i could accept the fact that it was pretty ok. The features are excellent, i got extra memory card and overall..the color. I actually like the color!

So yeah…i’d go for my obviously orange camera. A little color in my life starts from my camera!

Jakarta 30. 06. 2011

Entah apa yang terjadi terhadap saya. Saya tahu hal apa yang harusnya bisa saya kerjakan, tapi saya tidak bisa ambil keputusan mana yang harusnya saya bisa kerjakan terlebih dahulu. Dari mulai urus surat keterangan kerja, urus aplikasi kartu kredit dan rekening koran, minta surat referensi ke dosen, minta surat referensi ke HR Manager, tukar uang Euro, ke kedutaan untuk aplikasi visa sampai tulis e-mail untuk profesor di universitas yang beasiswanya saya coba ajukan. Aaah….kadang-kadang saya pikir, saya itu punya banyak mau tapi sedikit aksi!

Jadilah ketika saya cerita ke teman akrab dari masa SMU (sampai sekarang masih akrab dan tahu saya luar dalam), dia sudah langsung bisa memberi tahu saya bahwa saya tidak punya skala prioritas dalam membereskan urusan2 saya itu. Karena dia tahu bahwa saya orangnya cukup grasak-grusuk di menit-menit terakhir, makanya dia menyarankan saya untuk mulai menyusun skala prioritas. Apa yang harus saya kerjakan terlebih dahulu dan kapan saya harus mengerjakannya.

Terkesan mudah ya. Well…mungkin memang menyusun skala prioritas harus mudah supaya dalam pelaksanaannya nanti tidak malah tambah bikin pusing. Tapi sebelum saya menyusun skala apa yang harus saya kerjakan, saya mau mulai dulu dengan kata: „saya bahkan tidak tahu harus mulai dari mana!“

Jakarta, 29. 06. 11